Any Doubts
by Nicky Gabriel
Summary: If that was going to work, it had to be this way – they had signed that contract in blood many times over the years and Hutch had no intention to break it now.


Thank you **Kimberlyfdr** for your help. Post The Fix.

**~ * ~**

**Any Doubts**

Recently, Hutch's conversations with God had been reduced to nonexistent. Somehow, he had been either too busy to care or too tired to try. He didn't even remember the last time he visited church.

Hutch hesitated at the entrance for a while, looking around. There were just a few people, some sitting in the front pews and some waiting for the confession.

He took a few steps forward, and slowly knelt behind one of the pews. It felt awkward, considering how dirty he had been feeling for the last two weeks since they arrested Forrest. This was the last place he thought he'd end up. It was too quiet here, too cold, too clean; too Starsky-less. But here, alone, he could give up the pretense he somehow managed to maintain after his kidnapping.

Starsky and God – two people who knew everything about him and loved him anyway.

For a while, he just kept looking at his own still shaking hands, unable to look up. Hutch felt the rest of his resistance dissipate.

"Please God," he whispered. "Help him to stop me, because you know I can't stop myself."

~ * ~

Hutch didn't know how long he stayed in the church, but somehow it helped him see things in a different light. There was still one thing he had to do, but he was in no hurry anymore.

Instead, he headed for the beach. Slowly walking toward his cottage, he really began enjoying the evening. After two weeks, it was the first time Starsky had let him go on his own. _Let him_. Hutch still could hear Starsky's words without saying them, _"I trust you."_

Hutch knew he would be a hypocrite to think that he was different from any other junkie on the streets. He felt the same craving, the same shame, and the same lack of control over his need to fly again. High.

No, Hutch wasn't different. He couldn't control it when he was alone. But he was _not_ alone. Even now he could feel his partner walking by his side.

Without Starsky, he would be on the edge of insanity or even dead. His addiction hadn't been something he could have kept private.

That's why there still was one thing he had to do.

He took his time getting home, taking a shower, changing clothes, and even driving the route he knew better than his own name.

Looking tired and disheveled, Starsky opened the door two seconds after Hutch knocked.

"Hutch? Is something..." Starsky looked at him surprised, but Hutch didn't let him continue.

"Can I come in?" he asked instead.

Starsky stepped back. "What? Yeah, sure –"

_Brief brush of strong fingers on his arm._

Hutch smiled. Maybe his partner also had some habits he couldn't control? Not so bad, but still...

"I want you to promise me something." Hutch didn't let these fingers leave.

Starsky just nodded.

"If you ever have any doubts, check me out, ok?"

Starsky was looking at him for a while, almost expressionless, but Hutch didn't move; couldn't. If that was going to work, it had to be this way – they had signed that contract in blood many times over the years and Hutch had no intention to break it now. The last two weeks had been a true hell, but Hutch knew that maybe – just maybe – he could have endured it without Starsky. But _with_ Starsky, it was a lot easier.

Finally, Starsky nodded toward the couch. Hutch opted for the sofa while Starsky perched on the coffee table and leaned towards him.

"Listen, buddy," Starsky began in a slow and serious tone. "If _you_ ever have any doubts, you'll tell me yourself."

"You can't be sure of that," Hutch shook his head, bitterly.

"Can't I?" Starsky cupped his cheek and met his eyes. "Hutch, you just did it," he said with such respect and conviction that Hutch had to blink.

"What do you mean I just did?"

Starsky shrugged. "You came here, 'cause _I_'m your insurance policy. You'll never risk my life this way, Hutch."

"I risked Jeannie's life; almost got her killed because –" He couldn't even say it. Maybe Jeannie was just any other flame, but still he had sold her for a fix. What kind of a man did that?

"We ain't talking about Jeannie's life. We're talking about _mine_," Starsky explained softly.

Hutch couldn't bear how Starsky was looking at him.

"Starsky – "

But his partner just sat next to him and put an arm around Hutch's shoulders.

"You came here, Hutch. That's what matters."

"Where else could I go?" Hutch whispered miserably.

"Good question." Starsky smiled. "You're finally giving me the right answers, partner."


End file.
